Sometimes, you have to do the work yourself

Compared to even just two years ago, I have changed, not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. When faced with the choice, I have always wanted to do the right thing but years of conditioning following bad examples led me to rationalizing my bad decisions and verbally lashing out at people who harm or wish to harm me and my family. Taking an honest look at my tendencies was more like fighting a inner battle. There are certainly some things you can overlook, but when you are a parent, there are things you must deal with for the sake of your family. How do you do it and shine the light of Christ at the same time? That's a doozy of a tie-breaker question.

Have I handled everything in the past two years the way I should? Probably not everything, but through prayer, I am learning more every day and having my husband as an example has helped tremendously. But I do think I've come a long way. I don't take credit for that in any way, for I was born differently. I was born in an environment to parents who lashed out, both physically and verbally, as a rule. You could set your clock by it. You could always count on there being some reason to want to stay later at school than the rest of the kids. So, maybe I can give them some of the credit. Since a very early age, I did and do not want to be that way. And not being that way became a goal (some people have dreams, I had goals). For as long as I can remember, I have worked on who I am, not what I wanted to become or do with my life. It's no different than having a conscience that has weathered a 42-year steroid regimen. Mostly, though, I give God the credit for listening to my prayers.

You know, it's funny how, when you pray earnestly for all evil to be removed from your life, God answers you in ways you never expect. Sometimes, he removes people instead of quieting them. Sometimes, he convicts your own heart and leads you to repentance. Sometimes, he leads you to follow the example of another (such as my amazing husband). Sometimes, he tells you that you must actually do the work of removing the evil yourself. This doesn't just make me nervous, it challenges me to do what is right. He asks me to step out there and act justly, in a loving manner, with good intentions and a forgiving heart. He asks me to put aside my fears of being judged, wrongly accused, misunderstood (on the receiving end of the whip) and behave in a manner that garners his approval. He puts me on the spot and reassures me that I have everything I need in order to do it. Experience, prayer, support and the promises he makes to his good and faithful servants.

Yet I am ashamed. Because as awesome as his promises are, I want him to promise me that all will end the way I want it to end - with everyone shaking hands and becoming better people for having gone through it. And that is hardly ever the case. But there is one promise which supersedes them all. That is his promise to work together all things for good. I have to trust that if my intentions are misconstrued, if lies are spread, if friends are lost, there is a higher reason for it than satisfying my own need for a healthy environment. I have to believe that the Lord will use it to lead others to him, that through my discomfort, I might be a teacher, or if I am the student, I needed the lesson more than I need the peace that this world offers.

I try to remind myself that what matters isn't of this world. Oh, vanity of vanities! Today I set my eyes on heaven and let Him lead my steps.