Oprah on Forgiveness

Oprah says that forgiveness is about giving up the hope that the past could have been any different. I disagree.

You can forgive without wishing it had never happened. You can also be happy that the unfortunate events happened because it moved you along to better things, and still not forgive that person. Forgiveness is never about giving up hope. Hurt feelings exist for a reason and trying to change them never works. Absent of the other person's sincere and complete apology, forgiveness is about creating a better way for you to function that does not depend on the other person's actions or involvement. This way is far from easy.

Truth is, it is far easier to forgive if you receive a sincere and complete apology. What does that look like? A person who asks for forgiveness should make:

• A full apology
• A promise to never do it again
• Amends, in whatever way possible, and
• A sincere effort to establish a pattern of appropriate behavior moving forward

Wouldn't it be great if all you ever had to do was to say you're sorry and people forgave you for the hurt you've caused? The reason it doesn't work that way is because humans are programmed with something called "common sense" that protects them from being hurt, abused, misused and taken advantage of. It is a survival instinct, really. One that shouldn't be ignored. Like I said, these feelings of betrayal exist for a reason. If you are having a hard time forgiving, odds are likely that one or more of the four actions above were not taken by the person you are trying to forgive.

(A word about #3 - Making amends isn't always easy and everyone should be cautious and considerate when it comes to making amends. Unfortunately, once something or someone is gone, you can't make it up to them. But when you can't make a difference in that person's life, try devoting yourself to making a difference in someone else's life. By preventing such things from happening to someone else, you can indirectly make amends to the person that was slighted. At least, it is the next best thing. Also, if you can't fix what was broken, perhaps you can help that person find something to fill (or partially fill) the void you created. Just the sincere effort alone is sometimes all it takes to make amends.)

Finally, forgiving a person who hasn't asked for forgiveness takes more than resolve, but it HAS to be done. Anger serves a purpose, but one can't ever allow it to remain for long periods of time. Anger should be used a catalyst for change, not as a way of dealing with problems. Once change is accomplished, anger should be discarded. Otherwise, it destroys your opportunities for future happiness.

In order for you to move on, forgiveness takes effort and it takes tears and you will never forgive any soul by giving up hope on the past and what it has to teach you. If you are on your own without an apology, you must work at creating a new plan consistently until the old plan no longer make sense to you. Once you find a way to get back what that person took from you or once you find something to replace it with (joy, love, peace, etc.) you'll know you can forgive, simply because there will be no more angry tears. That job is yours. Be open to finding peace from another source. Holding a grudge when your life has been blessed in countless other ways is such a waste of energy, don't you think?

Forgiveness is hard work, but our souls were made to forgive and tears are just one of the tools we use.

1 John 1:9 - If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.

Ephesians 4:32 - Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.